Dance Moms

You all know how it is - you come home from a hard day at work, pour yourself a glass of supermarket own brand sugar free lemonade and watch American reality TV, and there is no better programme to drown your sorrows in than Lifetime's Dance Moms (Monday nights at 9:00pm)

Each week the elite junior dance competition team of the Abby Lee Dance Company from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, travel across the US to compete in an array of competitions and the girls are accompanied every step of the way by their moms, who describe themselves as 'dance moms' because of what I assume is their dedication to assuring their daughters succeed in the dance world. 

One the face of it, Dance Moms is essentially a 'bitch-fest' between the moms of the child dancers and raspy voiced dance teacher tyrant Abby Lee Miller, who opened her own dance company at the tender age of 14. However, if you look below the surface there is actually a depth to the programme that is sadly ignored. There's this underlying tension each week between Abby and the moms who are constantly having arguments. The three main triggers for these arguments are: 'You shouted at my kid', 'Maddie has more privates than everyone else and that's not fair because the other haven't had as much of an opportunity to learn the dance' and 'why hasn't my child got a solo?' If you watch the show you'll understand what I'm talking about but essentially the girls aren't just competing against other dance companies, they are competing against each other and sometimes that gets really hard to watch.

Every episode of Dance Moms starts off with the unveiling of 'The Pyramid' which is the way Abby communicates her thoughts on individual's dancing from the previous week and the standard group number. One of the things you will learn very quickly about Abby Lee Miller is she is very rarely satisfied. She constantly threatens the girls with the possibility that they will be cut from the team if they don't dance better which literally makes shit all sense because they always win. Like I mean always. I would completely understand wanting to change the team around if they kept losing, but they don't, and so these poor girls are always left in a state of limbo which sometimes borders on cruel. Of course Abby justifies her actions which mainly include cutting numbers and shouting at children, by saying that these are just things these girls will learn to expect in the real world of dance and that all she's doing is preparing them, which makes sense to a certain degree. However, when you have a 12 year old looking so thoroughly unhappy every time they come to dance class because they are terrified of setting a foot wrong in case Miss Abby shouts at them and cuts them from the group number that week, someone needs to call time.

Now I know there are a lot of people reading this right now thinking 'but that's what you expect from reality TV, it's put on for the cameras, she isn't like that in real life' and I agree with those who think that to a point because of course there are elements of this programme that are edited to make it more exciting otherwise it would be everyone getting along and that would be dull as hell and the reality TV junkie ( me) thrives on conflict, but unlike other reality TV programmes Dance Moms is possibly the most 'real' I have ever seen. When the moms are interviewed in the costume closet (yeah I don't know why) about what is going on in the programme, they give some really truthful and correct insights into the dynamics of the group and what possibly causes things to be a certain way not just 'she's a bitch'. For example, ever since season one there has been a rivalry between Maddie and Chloe who are both exceptional dancers. However, Maddie has always slightly overtaken Chloe and is quite clearly Abby's prized dancer and quite rightly in some respects because she is breathtaking when she performs. Yet there have been many times when Chloe's mum Christi, has accused Abby of favoritism and giving Maddie and unfair advantage over Chloe which I would argue is true in some cases such as when she has given Maddie better choreography, nicer costumes, a dance she already knows or more time on her routine than Chloe. It's instances like these that make me shout at the TV because I just want to shake Abby and say 'these mums are paying for this!' which is ultimately what it comes down to, Abby is paid by the moms to teach their daughters.

Now to the dancing itself which varies from week to week really. Sometimes I love it other times I really just gawp at the screen thinking 'what the fuck?' See the thing is Abby has this sort of lust for obscure themes which she then tries to portray in her dances with varying levels of success. I still am slightly unsure of how a vertical leg stretch conveys the agony of poverty or how a Plié alerts young people to the dangers of illegal highs - I'll admit one thing, Abby is nothing if not ambitious in her choreography. Alongside the usually outstanding dancing, there is always Abby's arguably twisted mind games that she plays with these girls on a daily basis. She's constantly dropping and picking up favorites which leaves everyone in a state of permanent uncertainty. Abby herself has a very...lets say eccentric style, preferring to whack on a florescent plastic bargain store headband instead of the conventional gold or silver. There's also the issue of her hair and make up - it's varies really people but sometimes the blue, un-blended eye shadow, red lipstick and eyeliner that looks incomplete really just has me cringing. You're on a TV show Abby, sort it out love!

I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression of me as this sad loner who's whole world revolves around telly, I mean what would give you that impression? Dance Moms is merely a guilty pleasure of mine, one I indulge in regularly and I urge anyone with a weakness for entertaining American reality TV shows to join me in enjoying this gem which literally has everything you could want from this genre.

In The Flesh

Okay, I know this blog hasn't been updated in forever but I'm going to make a real effort from now on - so enjoy! 

Today I'm going review the supernatural drama, In The Flesh. It was originally aired on BBC Three in March 2013 and the first series was comprised of three hour long episodes. Series two finished earlier this year and I really wanted there to be more. Now usually in my reviews I give you the basic plot and a brief description of the characters, but with In The Flesh there are so many elements that I really just need to break it down a bit in order to get my own head around its brilliance and also to give you a greater insight into what the hell is going on in the village of Roarton, Lancashire. 

The premise of the show is that the whole world is reeling from 'The Rising' where all of the people who died in 2009 rose from the dead in 2011 and went rabid, killing and eating poor innocent soul's brains, yet somehow thanks to the miracles of modern medicine and science, they have been treated and are being reintegrated into their families and wider society. Now this show would usually be a massive turn off for me as I normally dislike the whole supernatural, zombie/vampire genre which is why I never made it through the whole of Twilight (please don't hit me), but let me just say unlike those usually superficial 'I'm gonna eat ya and bite ya and take you to my castle' types of supernatural shows, In The Flesh has a depth and a sense of realism that is really refreshing in this genre. 

One of the main themes of the show is the discrimination and prejudice that the Partially Deceased Syndrome Sufferers (the Zombies) endure at the hands of the locals and also wider society. Quite rightly, the village of Roarton is scarred by the whole event and it has damaged the community almost beyond repair which is displayed quite clearly in the constant patrols and paranoia of the Human Volunteer Force, a type of army set up in The Rising to destroy those who had rose from the dead and were at the time in their 'untreated state'. I think what I loved so much about this drama was that it was so realistic and so hard-hitting in a sort of weird kind of way because you weren't really sure if you were suppose to feel sympathy for the PDS sufferers but you did! Also, by using terms such as 'Partially Deceased Syndrome Sufferers' and 'untreated state' it made them seem so much more human, which they were but there was always this underlying fear that they could snap at any time if they stopped taking their medication and that was so thrilling to watch. 

Talking about the humanity of the show brings me onto my next point, the protagonist Kieren Walker (portrayed by Luke Newberry) was one of those who rose from the dead and is just a young boy trying to navigate his way through this whole new confusing life he never really wanted. His friendship with fellow PDS sufferer Amy Dyer (Emily Bevan) provides an aspect of fun in what is a pretty dark show and watching their friendship reminds the viewer that even in times of great disparity there is always someone there who you can rely on to keep you going. His complex relationship with PDS sufferer and rebel Simon Monroe (Emmett J Scanlan) shows how vulnerable and confused Kieren really is as he latches onto the hope and passion that Simon has that the world will be better for PDS sufferers when they rise up again. 

I really admire the way the writers didn't just make the fact that they are zombies the only problem they've got going on in their lives which is often the way in many supernatural dramas, and even in those where there is other story lines weaved in, it is often unrealistic and two dimensional. In The Flesh incorporates themes such as sexual identity, depression, love, grief, loss and discrimination which really gives it so much more credibility and makes it so deserving of the BAFTA it received for a mini-series in May 2014.

I would recommend this show to anyone, even if you are like me and think 'ugh no I hate anything supernatural', I guarantee In The Flesh will pleasantly surprise you. 

The Voice UK

Hello my fabulous telly watchers. Now I know I may get a lot of hate for this post but I just cannot contain my dislike for the cringe-fest that is spinning chair, TV singing show The Voice UK.


This year the judging panel has gained two more incessantly giddy music moguls in the shape of Leeds native and front man of Kaiser Chiefs, Ricky Wilson and Australian hyperactive hamster, Kylie Minogue. They are joined by Voice veterans Tom Jones who looks like he's just been plucked from a nursing home and grammar abuser and Zorro impressionist, Will.i.am. I don't like the format of the show anyway and I think the novelty of the spinning chairs wore off about five minutes into the first episode of series one, but what I cannot stand is the way the judge's egos and constant need for attention overshadows the obvious talent of the contestants. I don't care if Ricky Wilson is asking Kylie Minogue if she's going to turn around or press her button or whatever and I especially don't want their whole meaningless exchange to be shown in subtitles on the screen which is totally distracting me from the singing! Grrr. My annoyance with the judges doesn't stop there. Has someone been slipping amphetamines in their pre-show tea? because they are fucking off their nuts. They bounce around in the chairs like hyperactive rabbits, especially Will.i.am and Kylie Minogue and constantly make torturous expressions over whether or not they should press the button which are again completely distracting and unnecessary.

In an attempt to make sure they don't become too much like the X-Factor, contestants are then faced with a choice of judges if more then one decide to turn around. This means we are forced to spend five minutes listening to them gush out reasons as to why they would be the best to 'mentor' them through the experience. It gives Ricky Wilson an opportunity to mention that he is from Leeds from the twenty millionth time and Will.i.am the chance to talk in some rap language about knowing how hard it is to break into the business etc. etc. Oh, and just when you think it can't get any worse, all of the judges sing some terrible arrangement of a song all together at the beginning of the show. It's literally shit but everyone seems to lap it up - I just don't get the attraction of this show.

Now, I don't know if it's true but there has been a lot of speculation as to whether the show is fixed and to be honest I suspect it is to a certain extent but I have no real evidence of this. Last year's winner Andrea Begley has a album out, did ya know? Nope, I didn't either until about five minutes ago when I Googled it which tells to you something about the impact of the show because after the judges have come down from their highs and the lights are dimmed, the poor talent is forgotten and that's just kind of sad - so much for being a mentor.

3/10

Secrets Of Living Dolls

It's official people, I can no longer be shocked speechless. I seriously thought I had watched every show about secret hobbies and fetishes, from dressing as an adult baby to pretending to be disabled but this one was just beyond anything I could have ever anticipated. When Cliff Richard wrote that wonderfully cheery, if not slightly disturbing tune about his walking, talking, living doll I don't think it ever crossed his mind that people would turn it into something literal - never underestimate human capabilities Cliff.

So what is Secrets Of Living Dolls all about I hear you ask? Well it basically is an in depth look at the secretive world of female masking, a practice where men transform into women with the  help of female rubber suits that look scarily real and masks which are less convincing but I suppose are that way because it's all part of the fake, dolly pretense. We meet several different 'maskers' including 70 year old Robert who lives in Orange County and who's masking costs him a fortune. His alter-ego is called Sherry, a blonde stunner who Robert has made his own by adding personal aspects to her 'skin' including his own hair to serve as pubic hair around her rubber vagina - realistic. He takes us through a traditional process of  'dollification' which includes talcing up the suit so he doesn't stick. I suppose one of the first things that struck me about all of this is that when they are fully dolled up, nothing really much changes in their life, they just sort of hang about and lounge in the sun which is dangerous because Sherry might melt and futile because the suit is made of rubber... I was actually expecting more abnormal stuff to happen after they put on the suit. Oh, but he does get a little pervy over taking pictures of him in the suit which is slightly off putting.

The creator of Fem Skin, the company that produces the suits, was originally a cabinet maker but apparently that didn't really have the demand so he switched to making the suits and masks. How? How did this happen? The programme fails to address this question really which is annoying. I wonder if he was also a masker? The company is family-run with mum Barbie the driving force and her sons chipping in to help design and produce the products. I have to admit, there's some craftsmanship that goes into these suits so it's unsurprising that they cost hundreds of dollars. Now before everyone puts on their 'this stuff only happens in America' face, it actually turns out that other countries including German mainly with the UK following along behind like some left out puppy, are becoming big consumers of these products.

Another masker we meet is Joel who to some people's surprise, and admittedly my own, has a girlfriend - I say this because I think we as a society and a nation stereotypically believe that anyone who engages in practices that are seen as abnormal must be a total freak all of the time but with Joel this just isn't the case. He also helpfully sheds some light on the reasons behind his hobby such as escapism and a sense of enjoyment. Ok, right yes I'm not saying that this is the mainstream and that we all must embrace female masking with open arms, I'm just saying it's a thing and these people who practice it just want to do so with out prejudice - do I think they will achieve this? Probably not in all ways because it is so taboo but maybe overtime female masking will have the same kind of movement towards acceptance as being a transvestite has in recent years.....?

Now, I have some problems with the actual suits. Firstly, they don't all fit great and I'm just saying that if I paid hundreds of pounds for something that was ill-fitting I would be pissed off. For instance, some of the masks are very lose which its not good and the wigs don't really do anybody justice because they all look so cheep, like something you wear for Halloween. Secondly, some of the people went for drives in the programme with these masks on which looked incredibly funny but was also like super dangerous! Bearing mind these masks only have like small eye holes surely it's not safe to be driving with them on....? Thirdly, if you are going to spend all that money on these state of the art suits then you surely can splash out a little on clothes because seriously all, and I mean, all of the clothes these men were wearing were not good. One was actually wearing a bin liner for a skirt - no joke people. I suppose you have to remember that you can pretend to be a woman all you want but if you have even a shadow of doubt about fashion then look at some magazines, don't bloody go out with terrible clothes on because it's not helping the cause. Finally, I would not be able to breathe, I would faint in those masks because the smell of rubber would make me sick.

I admire the frankly brave individuals who took part in this documentary and I wish them every success. Do I feel like I could accept the world of female masking? Probably in time, but you can't force acceptance on people and it's different in real life than on the telly. All I know is that it was a very entertaining and informative hour of telly.

8/10

Liberty Of London

Hello my fellow telly addicts. Channel 4 recently showed a three part documentary showing the inner workings of extravagant department store Liberty, situated in Regent Street in the centre of London. I really love these kinds of documentaries and this one totally lived up to my expectations. We were informed at the beginning of the series that Liberty has gotten a new managing director Ed Burstell, who is camp and brilliant. He treats his staff like equals, finding their strengths and praising them which is seen in one episode where he acknowledges the services and dedication of staff members who have been loyal to the store for years. He is the kind of portrayed as the boss that everyone kind of dreams of, friendly and approachable but not overbearing. I would really like to meet him and if Ed was to ever read this, just get in touch my love.

During the course of the series we meet some of the richest people in London, willing to spend upwards of £500 on  baubles as a 'taster' of what the actual decorations of their Christmas tree will look like - It puts my '2 packs for £10' bargain baubles to shame. These rich clientele are treated like royalty and so they should be if they spend £2000 on a jumper! If you're dishing out the dough you expect the best in all areas and this is one of the founding principles of Liberty. I suppose my love of this programme is the fact it allows me to live vicariously through the stupidly rich. I actually felt as some points that I was shopping in the store, telling them not to buy that scarf because it's made from last seasons prints (as if I'd know). One of my favorite members of staff was Will from men's wear. He had such a good rapport with his customers and they actually just trusted him to make them look good so much so that if he said that the leather jacket don't look to hot then they didn't buy. Will was one of the top sellers at Liberty and he got commission for the sales he made but what makes the staff at Liberty extra special is that they seemed to like their job! Like I go into a shop and most of the time the assistant could care less if I can't find what I'm looking for or if they give me a bag with a hole in but at Liberty they care, and this leaves me with the question as to why it's only in the posh shops that customer service exists? Ok, well I know money but I'm forking over money in other shops to sometimes quite a bit so I just think the shopper needs a little more appreciation.

Liberty also plays host to some dazzling celebrity events. In the series, poor little Louie (I think that was his name and I apologise if it's not) was put in charge of managing a book signing and meet and greet for 'IT' girl Alexa Chung. Luckily he pulled it off but it was touch and go for a while. Oh and guess who was collaborating with Liberty to create a new and exclusive perfume, if you said Richard E Grant then you must be like psychic or have watched the show.

Overall this programme was a massive success as a documentary. Like there are literally loads more things that went on that A) I kind of can't remember because it was a few weeks ago and although I am dedicated to TV, I won't be watching the series again to make notes and B) the list is too numerous of the things I can remember. The only thing left for me to say is watch the show if you can on 4od because it's worth it.

10/10

Higher Ground

Hello my wonderful telly people. Ok, so it's Christmas and there are a bunch of shows I have lined up to be reviewed but today I want to introduce you all to the literally astounding Canadian hard-hitting drama that is Higher Ground.

I feel I would be doing you all a disservice if I just didn't review this show because let me tell you all something Canada seriously know how to pile on the hurt. The basic premise of Higher Ground is that troubled youths are sent to a sort of vocational boarding school in order to help them overcome their problems and figure out what is actually going on in their lives. The boarding school is called Mount Horizon. Yeah, like they literally went all out on the metaphors for overcoming your strives and troubles to become a better person when they picked that name. The headmaster, if you can call him that, Peter, is a trendy-ish, late thirties, early forties hunk of a man destined to help these children overcome their difficulties and his own pretty messed up love life and pain killer addiction - because it really wouldn't be a successful drama if he wasn't as fucked up as the rest of them. He wants to be everyone's best buddy but in my opinion kind of fails, he's like the typical dad who wears jeans from Animal in an attempt to 'bond' with the youngsters.

Scott is one of the main characters, brought to Horizon by his struggling dad after he got hooked on drugs, stopped playing American football (rugby for us English people) and his school performance suffered. He's your typical troubled teen, or is he? We are introduced to Scott's dark mind early on in episode one where he has flashbacks of his stepmother who is around about the same age as him, coming into his room.... Yeah. Deep stuff. As the series progresses, Scott develops a relationship with equally as messed up camp mate Shelby who we eventually learn was abused by her mum's boyfriend, alongside resident goth Daisy who was emotionally abused by her father and neglected by her mother, see a pattern here people? I'm not saying that we should make light of abuse, it's a serious issue that needs telly as a platform to inform people of the facts and help those suffering but it seems that many shows use it as a surefire way of making the storylines more 'gritty'. Many of these characters are two dimensional - defined purely by their suffering. They literally just exist on the show, waiting for an opportunity to have a flash back or some triggering experience which causes them to bare their souls to each other, allowing super headmaster Peter to swoop in and come to the rescue. This isn't how it is in real life people! You don't just tell someone and magically it's over, the recovery isn't finished and you don't just never think of it again.

Basically, what I am saying about this show is that the characters lack so much depth. Just making them suffer through horrific experiences does not make a profound, complex character that can be developed and written into many different storylines. Too often characters are labeled victims and that's all the ever are, it's not original anymore. When I said at the beginning of this post that the programme is astounding, I mean that in the sense that it's astounding how much hurt they can shove into one show. The level of acting is not great  but I don't blame the actors themselves because many of them have potential, no I blame the writers and directors that believe the way to creating a successful TV show is by making everyone in it a victim of life.

I also cannot ignore the cringey music that is used, firstly at the beginning and also to spit up the scenes within the programme. It's sort of like hip-hoppy, grungy beats with electric guitar and some R&B rapper just going 'yeah, yeah baby, yeah'. Oh and the worst is the actual title sequence to episode one which is like tribal sounds and animals mixed in with a lame generic hip-hop beat. It accompanies a sweaty Peter as he climbs up the rock, probably as a symbol of overcoming your strives with hard work and at the end you will reach to top and be able to look over the Horizon - these people just need to stop with the cheesy symbolism!

I literally have nothing else to say about this programme. I stumbled upon it whilst searching the internet and am kind of glad I did if only to tell you how terrible I think it is. But I don't know, some of you might like it so go and watch it on YouTube if you feel inclined to.

The Audience

Yesterday evening I settled down to watch I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here where the hilariously wonderfully Alfonso Ribeiro (aka Carlton Banks from the hit 90's sitcom Fresh Prince Of Bel Air) and the powerful yet endearing gold Olympic medalist, Rebecca Adlington were voted out in a mildly shocking double eviction. When this finished I was caught in that horrible period of unrest where I'm not tired enough to fall asleep but I don't want to put on a show that requires any levels of intellect for me to understand. So instead I watched a programme called The Audience the premise of which is basically a group of 30 strangers spend a week following around one individual with a life changing decision they for some reason can't solve by conventional means.

This week focused on 42 year old Jane Mason who suffers from a degenerative condition that effects her skeletal muscles in the head, neck and arms which makes them stiff and unable to move. Her dilemma was whether she should adopt a child. Many obstacles presented themselves, including the physical limitations of her disability and how this would effect her ability to take care of a child, her reasons for waiting so long and also in my opinion ,whether or not this need for a child just stems from being an aunt or if it is actually genuinely something she feels she could undertake. You know what they say, it's alright when you can give the child back when they're crying or you're tired. The most striking thing about Jane from the onset is her fiery personality, which seems to be quite defensive when discussing her condition. She berated one man for using the word 'disabled' and was quite focused on how much she would love the child rather than directly answering weather she felt she would be able to cope the the physical and mental demands. Now I understand this need to put up barriers to shield from questions we find difficult to answer but she chose to come on this show and knew it would be like this, having strangers grilling every aspect of her life in order to give their verdict based on the facts so part of me was a bit annoyed by her evasive attitude.

To be honest, I think the whole premise of the show is totally just trying to be profound but actually ends up being almost comical with a mob of 30 randoms just following this one lady into her tiny flat.  I don't feel like Louise the photographer and Gary the fashion designer are really going to shed any more light on Jane's dilemma, in fact during their little individual interviews throughout the programme, many of the audience felt baffled at what to do. I feel like it is a good idea in theory but I wouldn't like all the conflicting ideas and playing 21 questions with a bunch of strangers. I didn't make it all the way through the programme because I felt frustrated with the way they seemed to be spinning in circles and just asking questions a group of close friends could ask in private and reach the same conclusions. I do hope Jane got the answers she needed but the programme failed to live up my expectations of a life affirming, inspiring experience, in fact it was just annoying. I defiantly do not want an audience with The Audience.

5/10.